Denial
“It is in deep solitude that I find the gentleness with which I can truly love my brothers. The more solitary I am the more affection I have for them. Solitude and silence teach me to love my brothers for what they are, not for what they say.”
~ Thomas Merton
I think in this quote, Mr. Merton was probably talking about getting away, possibly to somewhere like a B&B on Saltspring Island, or a small cave in Arizona for a weekend, or maybe a week, or possibly his entire life, pleaseifthereisagod. But lately I find myself relating to it whenever I am wearing my MP3 player. How much I enjoy having no clue what’s going on around me aurally has really surprised me. (Apparently I’m even in denial about my denial. Let’s just pretend this takes a special kind of dedication and talent.)
Having my Walkman on thrills me for several reasons. One, it makes reading easier, because I’m never distracted by what’s going on around me. Two, if I run out of book, I can just listen to my music and still be far, far away. Three, it is a break from the internal soundtrack my brain is always supplying for my life, which can, at times, be overwhelmingly absurd. Four, it makes any situation kind of loosely choreographed. Five, I cannot hear the dumb-ass conversations of other people around me. If they are especially loud, I just reach into my pocket and turn the volume up a notch or two. It’s like a reverse mute.
I don’t think that I would revel in censorship so much if my expectations of the universe weren’t painfully quixotic. At fairly frequent intervals, unadulterated reality (yes, it is scary that I have to qualify it) makes me feel like I have just been kicked in the chest. Less so with music on. It may or may not exist, but when I can’t hear words or even tones of conversations, I can attribute benevolence to whatever situation I am walking past or encountering. You would not believe the deeply connected and joyful interactions I witness when I am wearing my Walkman.
Is this unhealthy? Often, I can’t tell if I am pulling an ostrich maneuver until after someone or something comes along and kicks me in the most elevated part. But for now, it’s nice down here, under the sand. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. It’s a song about a river in Egypt performed by my favourite band, and it’s one I like to listen at a very high volume on my MP3 player.
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Questioning/Examining:
How universal is the “divide by two and add seven” rule for determining acceptable age differences in relationships?
Grateful/Relieved:
For my tinted sunglasses that make every hike in the forest a sunny one.
Regret/Deny:
Never learning to enjoy punk rock or grunge. And it’s too late baby, oh, it’s too late.
Pondering/Obsessing:
Rather than sitting in awkward silence trying to figure out how we’re all going to be around one another and whether or not we’re going to like it, can’t we just be there already?
Whistling/Humming:
Your Body Is a Wonderland - John Mayer
Reading/Scanning:
Operating Instructions – Anne Lamott
Shout out to:
The sidebar.