crazywonderful

in november i didn’t do a lot of coherent writing – everything just came out in blurts and fragments. these are some of those.
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feeling very forgiving these days, like all of me is reaching out for something it is not quite sure it can have.
also
very relaxed
much less judgemental
much less worried.
god, that frees up a lot of time for other shit.
by the time you are thirty there are parts of you, street smart parts, that are very tired indeed.
though i feel like i’m sliding off the edge of the planet, and if i’m quiet and cheerful enough about it noone will notice, i’m sure that everyone, in reality, is sick of my sad face and constant whining, and come to think of it, if they heard i was on the edge, might even give me a helpful shove.
i keep having these epiphanies about life and orange socks, and at first it seriously fucked me up – like aliens were beaming shit into my head. happy shit, but shit nonetheless; it is never a good feeling to wonder where a thought you just had came from. so that happened for a while, and i wondered if i was finally going crazy, and then the epiphany stage started. and they’re big epiphanies, like realizing for the first time what opinion really is, and the difference between convincing myself that i don’t care what other people think and starting out from a place where i understand that it really doesn’t matter.
so…this is part of…so many other interesting things going on inside my head right now. sometimes i wonder, am i going crazy, or is this what sane feels like? and who can tell the difference?
other days, like today, i just want to lay down underneath my desk and fall asleep.
i’m sure there’s a banner tacked to the inside of my skull right now announcing that my brain is under new management. some part of me is wandering around inside there doing inventory going, “jesus, who ordered all this crap? why are we doing things like this? will anyone notice if i throw this piece out? let’s see.”
there have been days recently when i’ve thought that perhaps all this period in my life was for was to make me very, very relieved to be gay. it seems sometimes like lesbians are the only ones who get the joke. either that or straight women have a more highly developed sense of humour (“you want me to do what? with that? are you kidding?”) than i do.
walked
over water
imagined
swimming
’til i couldn’t
and thought
seagulls
are a lot smarter than you think.
people
are not.
i wonder if i am going to spend the rest of my life seeking out the truest part of me, only to have it recede farther and farther away, getting smaller and smaller all the time. also, i wonder if i will ever be able to hear some classical music without picturing bugs bunny.
family, friends and co-workers keep asking what i am doing with my weekends and i have to keep saying, “uh…not much.” i wonder. i sure as hell can’t explain it to anyone else. “oh, surviving, mostly. that keeps me pretty busy” sounds just a tad melodramatic. but to say that i was unprepared for the levels of anxiety, doubt, and loss that the end of a seven year relationship and moving out on my own for the first time would entail would be a bit of an understatement. whoops.
toasters that didn’t scare the crap out of you when they popped up would be cool. i invariably forget in between when i push the bread down and when it makes its triumphant, toasty return. i’m thinking a warning light or a subtle beep pre-ejection would be good. or i guess i could just get the hell out of the kitchen.
besides being an excellent storyteller, my grandfather is one of the funniest men i’ve met. i suppose this has something to do with the fact that i’ve been around him since birth, that he kind of helped define my sense of humour, but damn, the man is hilarious, and he just keeps getting funnier. my brother shares much of his sense of humour. i’d like to think i’m coincidentally related to two of the most deeply funny men on earth, but i suppose it’s more about nature and nurture. either way, lucky me.