crazywonderful

i resigned on friday. i have no job lined up, i have no concrete travel plans, and i suddenly feel like all good things are not only possible, but likely, so i guess that’s some confirmation that it was a positive decision. either that or i’ve become addicted to quitting. for which i’m sure there is no 12-step program. a one step program, maybe.
once i’d handed in my notice and knew that things were probably going to go okay over the next two weeks (with my usual overwhelming confidence), it was a little difficult not to skip laps, grinning, around the office. a surprising number of people were kind and supportive and seemingly disappointed (and did i mention kind?) when they found out i was leaving. either that or i work with a large number of better-than-average actors who are really fucking happy to see me go.
at my brother’s birthday dinner last night, my aunt asked how work was going, and i had the rare opportunity to pull out, with a grin, “a lot better since quitting yesterday.”
“oh. well, don’t worry, you’ll find something,” my grandma said, patting me.
“i don’t think she’s worried,” my aunt observed.
’tis true.
i feel like i should be worried.
but i’m not.
speaking of whatever you call that state of non-worriedness: while walking from her place to my mother’s last night my grandmother asked me if i had to be on antidepressants. “those things are horrible,” she said (the women in my family are very subtle about conveying their opinions. though to be fair, it was only after i mentioned the possibility of going off them that my grandmother so vehemently expressed her opinion). “i read about this girl in the states who went on them and then she committed suicide! maybe you should try to go without them.” (this anxious little grandapple didn’t fall far from that worried grandtree. and for the record, i wasn’t the one who told her about the mood brighteners; that would be my mother’s work.) at any rate, it made me smile. and nod. and say, “mm-hmm.”
which reminds me: i saw two women in the grocery store on thursday, one of them was about mid-sixties, the other was her mom, mid-eighties, probably. i caught this one line, from the mother as i walked by, “well, i couldn’t find it. but i don’t know, dear…maybe i just didn’t look right.” i had to stop myself from turning to the grey-haired daughter and rolling my eyes.
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questioning/examining:
if i couldn’t nod and say, “mm-hm” around my family, that would cut my ability to respond about in half.
grateful/relieved:
to be able to answer, “i don’t know, really” when asked what my plans are.
regret/deny:
nodding off at work friday afternoon, for one neck-snapping, heart-stopping second.
musing/reflecting:
there is nothing so endearing as a well articulated lust for ice-cream cake.
whistling/humming:
anticipate – ani difranco
absorbed in:
the gunslinger – stephen king
shout out to:
nethers, the most experienced cat woman i know.